My family came up from Austin to north Dallas so we could spend a few days in the Gaylord Texan hotel for Thanksgiving break. It has a mini city on the inside, it’s kind of awesome.
Well, my dad and sister picked me up from my dorm after I finally finished packing. We got side-tracked as my dad pick out wine for my mom and we eventually got to the hotel. I was greeted by a HUGE hug from my little sister who hasn’t seen me for over 3 months. She wouldn’t let go, and I had not yet set my stuff down.
After a bit of struggle figuring out how to set up the WiFi, we finally went to get dinner. On our way to the Italian restaurant, which keep in mind in in this little indoor city, the aroma of sweet maple and sugar usurped my nose in the most serendipitous way. (OH, vocabulary!) It was a walk-in gingerbread house. More on that later.
So we got to the restaurant and sat down to eat. It was weird having no ceiling above us. Well, we had one, but it was about 200 feet above us. I had to take my little sister for a walk before our food came out, and we saw these awesome lights above us. There were sheets of blue Christmas lights and tubes that would have a streak of like pass down them, it almost looked like rain.
Well, we went into the gingerbread house afterwards, and it was a little candy shop!!! They had giant lollipops, too. It was also made with I believe 1000 pounds of sugar and 50 gallons of icing among other things. Such a heavenly aroma!!!
We continued to walk around and took several photos of each other and such. My little sister kept running of though, which was not pleasant. We eventually came back to our room, which is huge by the way. It’s a suite to be exact, and it’s very nice!
Well, we got a rolling bed so that all five of us could have a spot to sleep. It was my bed to sleep in, and my mom asked me where I wanted it. This is where things started going awry. I couldn’t pick out a spot for it. I was stressing over it so much. Like, I didn’t feel like it fit anywhere in the room. I couldn’t make a spot “mine” in our suite. I could feel the beginnings of a breakdown just barely starting in me, and I wasn’t making any sense out of why.
Well, we eventually chose a spot only to find that I’m too tall for the bed, so we just watched TV and I played a card game with my mom and little sister. After getting tired of the presence of Disney channel shows, I decided to import photos from my camera to my computer. I went over to my jacket, where I had my camera, and I couldn’t find it.
Now, before I continue, you should know that what happened next was the aggregate result of several factors which I pieced together as things took place.
I became very upset and had become very unsettled. I was starting to feel like I did once before when I had a random panic attack. I was doing my best to hold myself together as I freaked out while looking around the room for my camera. Of course, it was nowhere to be found and still isn’t anywhere in sight.
My camera became the last straw of a series of factors that were tearing me apart, which are as follows:
- I have finals coming up.
- I have juries coming up.
- My composition class in particular is stressing me out.
- I couldn’t wait to go to college in August to get away from all the turmoil, and I was seeing the turmoil still present in my family.
- I also really wanted the independence of college which I have grown used to.
- I felt like that independence was stripped from me when beginning small activities with my family.
- I originally thought I was gonna be going home to Austin for Thanksgiving.
- Friends at college kept asking me when I was going home.
- Friends from Austin kept asking when I was gonna be in town for Thanksgiving.
- I also REALLY wanted to home for the break.
- Out of my close friends from Austin, I am the ONLY one that didn’t go back to Austin for the break.
- One friend even sent me a text just yesterday about having a little reunion party full of what my typical parties consist of.
- I felt that I was anywhere but home for Thanksgiving, the one holiday I truly associated with home.
Add the loosing my camera on top of that and you have me on the verge of a meltdown. I felt that I had no stability what-so-ever and was having trouble feeling comfortable.
Eventually I sat down at a table in a corner and my mom came over to me and asked me, for the umpteenth time that evening, what was going on. I finally had it figured out and began explaining. I burst out crying. My mom kept talking with me and comforting me.
I got myself together enough to show her this composition I’m working on and we talked about music and looked up lyrics since I finally had my computer out. I cannot tell you how much that all helped. My mom’s undying love and support brought me back to a point where I could hold my own.
And now I’m here, typing this up on tumblr and holding back a few more tears…and letting some pass though. If you took the time to actually read this, thank you. The simple thought of knowing that someone cares enough to do that helps more that you might imagine it would.
For those of you that read this whole post, thank you.
I’m gathering the strength to hold myself together, I just don’t understand why this is so hard right now. It doesn’t seem like it should be.